Black and White

White: A hall full of 23 year old students, fervently writing their examinations.

Black: A 23 year old young man, without shoes, serving tea to the invigilators and water to the students.

When will the world begin to live in bright colours?

Random Updates

I’ve been M.I.A. on my blog again. This time there is no excuse. I’ve been plain lazy. Also nothing very major has taken place in my life to blog about, other than the sudden overdose of B that I received recently.

Update 1: A week’s worth of B in Gurgaon and another two weeks in Madras hit the spot nicely. Though it left me yearning for more. Time spent with him will never be enough. For the first time I saw a grieving B, though he’ll claim not to be. However, underneath the strong exterior, I could see he was hurting. And all I could do to comfort him was give him a hug and a kiss and remind him of what lies ahead.

Update 2: Shopping for a man who’d love anything I give him is the most difficult task. If I tore out a piece of paper, doodled on it and gave it to him for his birthday, he’d love it as much as the watch he received – a birthday gift bought with the savings I’ve been making since his last birthday. Shopping for men is tougher than it seems. I’m just really glad that I have the ability to spot what he’d like from a mile away.

Update 3: I’ve realized that over the last few years I’ve become passive by nature. I’ve been concentrating on controlling my temper and calming down so much, that I didn’t realize I’ve been allowing people to walk all over me. Never again. And that’s a promise.

Update 4: ‘Guy whose guts I hate’- what goes around, comes around. If life doesn’t teach you that, you can be rest assured, I will.

Update 5: I hereby disassociate myself from all those who are hypocritical, two-faced, dishonest, and ugly at heart. You are not worth my while.

Update 6: I almost became a superficial social butterfly. I needed a shelling to remind me of who I actually am and where I want to go. Thank you B.

Update 7: I don’t feel motivated enough to do much with my life. I think I need to take a break, clear my head, and come back with a bang. Hence the vacation to Bombay is much required.

Update 8: I have put on weight. And lots of it. I blame the meat consumption in Gurgaon. I plan on working out. Hopefully that will not remain a plan once I get back from the vacation

Update 9: While I’m being narcissistic, my shorn locks repulse me. I need a growth spurt on my head. Any home remedies anyone?

Update 10: Farmville on Facebook is addictive. Facebook is addictive. I think my vices are consuming me.

Update 11: My nomadic family has shifted base to Bombay this time. Hence, the trip there.

Update 12: I hereby make a solemn promise to myself to save up for a great vacation once year from the second I start earning.

Other than the above, my life is a yawn.

Until the next post, *Yawn*

Xoxo

P

I lost my Mind! :-(

Ever truly yearned for something you can’t have? All you need to do is reach out and grab it but the circumstances you’re in prevent you to do so, like ethics, social norms etc. Why does everything have to have rules and regulation? What the hell happened to good old ‘Indiscipline’?

With this thought, I bring before you my latest blog post. I’ve been so preoccupied with the rest of my life and I completely lost my mind somewhere. I hope to find you soon, Mind. Till then I’ll gallop through my days like the ‘Headless Horseman’.

Shifting into a new apartment is never easy. It’s amazing the amount of clutter that accumulates around you that you never seem to notice. My life’s possessions are three suitcases of clothes, one suitcase of bags and shoes and other accessories, another suitcase of books, a few kitchen appliances and utensils, and a few random odds and ends which include my stuffed toys. Yes I am 23 and I have two bears and an elephant I can’t sleep without. And I am NOT ashamed of it.

None of which are truly mine, since I haven’t purchased it with my own money. I hope to soon, being the fiercely independant person that I am.

Packing, shifting and unpacking was a day’s worth of work. And living with Divya, is like wrapping your favourite comforter around you. College is as hectic as ever. And like I said earlier, I’ve just been galloping through my days.

But over the last month or so, I’ve discovered there’s something I want. It’s right there in front of me and I can’t have it. And it’s driving me insane. Should I live according to social norms and just sit back and yearn? Or should I just be selfish and grab it without taking into consideration anybody else’s feelings or opinions? Should I be who I am? Or Should I be who I’m not? While I debate this, what if this thing I want, has been whisked away by someone else? Should I feel regret? Or should I feel relieved? I almost grabbed at it, but Mr. Common Sense screamed ‘No. Who the hell does he think he is telling me what to do, anyway? I want my Mind back in my life.

Mind!

Mind!

Where the hell are you?

Hello!

Mind!

Come out, come out wherever you are!

MIND!!!!

Sellotaped Hearts

I have spent many hours over the phone with T, M and N analyzing and dissecting what people have said to me, what they meant by saying that to me, why did they have to do something like that etc. Post endless hours of trying to find answers to questions, I would have still been left without a concrete answer. I have also in turn been agony aunts for friends with similar issues, giving THEM perspective, calming THEM down.

End result of the above activity - zero answers, high cell phone bills, exhausted voices, tired brain cells.

When did we get so damn complicated?

We gossip. We bitch. We laugh behind people’s backs. We talk behind people’s backs. We betray. We hurt. We hurt others. We scheme. We counter-scheme. We cry. We make others cry. We run in the rat race. We are the rats. We make lots of money. We make others lose lots of money. We are hollow. We make others hollow. We watch our backs. We stick a knife through other backs. We protect a few backs. But let other backs be knifed. We steal. We kill. We invade. We go to war. We want world domination. We want control. We lose control. We are fake. We don’t live. Just exist. Off each other. Like parasites.

I’m tired. Of the above and more.

If there exists, life after death in a place called Heaven, I’m pretty darn sure God would point a finger at us, let out a scornful laugh and say ‘Ha! You fools. Look at how much of time you wasted doing stupid things to get stupid things. Your money and wealth is useless here. Ha! Ha! Ha! What idiots!’

I wonder what it would be like to live in the Garden of Eden with Adam, minus the serpent and the tree that gives knowledge of good and evil.

Unfortunately reality beckons me. There is yet another phone call to answer, another teary eyed friend to console, another broken heart to mend. Since spending these endless hours, attempting to help in anyway, is what makes us truly humane.

xoxo

P

On Verge of Insanity, before the Doorway to the ‘Real World’

Do you have a plan for your life?

I don’t think I do. And by plan, I mean those concrete one, with dated goals and head notes and foot notes, the works basically as far as a plan is concerned.

I mean there are many things I would love to have happen with my life. There are things that I am doing to work towards it.

But my question here is, Should you chart out your life?

Like make chronological goals, eg by ‘this age’ I should be at ‘this postion’ at the career front and earning ‘so much’, or I should be married by ‘so and so’ age, and have ‘so many’ kids by ‘this age’.

Is it safe being with a plan or without it?

If you’re without a plan, should life be taken one day as it comes?

If you’re with a plan, what happens when after all your planning, your life takes you in a completely different direction than you planned it to go?

What happens then?

Do you crumble and fall apart or chuck the previous plan, hit the desk again and work on a new blueprint?

What if the new blueprint fails too?

Should I have expectations, hopes and dreams if I don’t have a plan to achieve the same?

Or should I not have a plan and not have any expectations, hopes and dreams?

What is the right equation here?

Where is the key to answers of my questions?

I’m on the brink of student life. I have one foot on either side of the line between the blissful student life and the ‘real’ world.

I’m drowning trying to find the right answer to these questions. (If at all, this ‘right’ answer exists)

Throw me a life jacket someone.

xoxo

Ramblings of a confused 23 year old!

Ode to Ctrl-Alt-Del

If I could use the Delete button with my life,
All my bad memories would not be in rife.
I would have a song on my lips,
Instead of a heart that rips,
At the thought of those bad memories in rife
If I could not use the Delete button with my life.

If I could use the Delete button with my life,
My alter ego and I would not be in strife.
I would have the ability to be who I am,
Instead of being in a jam,
When my alter ego and I are in strife
If I could not use the Delete button with my life.

Environmental Adversities

I saw something that caught my interest today. A white couple bicycling down M.G. Road. They were oblivious to the blatant stares that were shot their way. They were in India. Everyone stares at foreigners here. Even I will admit doing the same occasionally. I may be educated and well-mannered, but I still have some amount of the 'Indian' mentality.

However in this case, I wasn’t staring because they were foreign. I found it weird that they would choose to bicycle down M.G.Road of all roads in Bangalore. The largest amount of pollution is emitted from that one road in the city. So why on earth would anyone in their right senses do something like that?

If you’re riding around in Cubbon Park with lush green, overcast foliage or with Ulsoor Lake on one side, I’ll understand. But in peak afternoon heat, traffic and pollution, I’d label you crazy.

They might have been environmentalists, wanting to prove a point. Who knows? They were still damaging their health in their effort to save the environment.

What confounds me here is the reason behind the choice they made- showing others how to save the environment while risking their own health.

Then again, maybe they were just plain batty.

For the time being however, I shook my head in disbelief, contempt and cynicism. Simultaneously my auto driver cranked up his lever, started his vehicle which bellowed out smoke into the atmosphere, proceeded to sing loudly to the tunes his radio blasted out, and spat out from his mouth a large blob of saliva combined with the remnants of his chewed up paan.

The idiosyncrasies of life.

xoxo

P

I DON’T hear wedding bells.

I feel old. I’m 23, and I feel old. Like ‘burdened with expectations’ old. Not ‘student on a budget’ old.

I’ve reached that point in life, where I know people, who are my age, who are getting married. I also know people who are even older who are either getting married or are already married or have already had kids. At the above same point in my life, I am also asked by these earlier mentioned specimens, ‘So, when’s your wedding?’

Now being the frank and truthful person that I am, my answer is ‘I don’t know!’ This brings me to my next problem. In fact, my main problem. I WILL inevitably receive a sympathetic look. The kind that makes you feel awful about the fact that you are ‘single and in a relationship’ and nowhere close to being married. (I shudder to think what the ‘Look’ would be like, had I been just ‘single’.) The kind that makes you feel you don’t belong there, with them and in their company. The kind that makes you feel like you have to join this sorority or you’ll be shunned from every social gathering. The kind that makes you, the black sheep. The kind that makes you feel guilty about the fact that you’re not engaged or married. Bottom line – I get worked up.

This post is to let these married or soon to be married specimens know some basic facts about me. It is pretty obvious that if these specimens have not been able to comprehend these facts, they are in fact lost in their own world (wherever it is they come from).

I am 23. I am only a MBA student with an educational loan to pay off. I am in no hurry to be hitched, primarily because I have things to do with my OWN life before I am able to tie my life up with someone else. For example, get a job, earn, save, live it up with the money I earn, have perfect teeth, be sure of the fact that I’m in a place where I’m ready to be part of someone else’s life, sky dive, bungee jump, hold a snake without my heart racing fast, be able to ride astride a horse once again with courage, trek, go on a vacation somewhere exotic on my own, take risks, etc. I AM YOUNG! I AM 23!

I HAVE my OWN life. Just because YOU wanted to get tied up to someone else’s life, doesn’t mean I want to do the same. Just because YOU jumped into the well, doesn’t mean I have to as well. You’re NOT part of a sorority I WANT to join.

My answer to the question remains the same. I don’t know when I will be married. I do know I will be someday. When that day comes, I know I would have done most of the things I have wanted to do before I get married. Heck! I may still continue to do those things post wedding. I just want to reach that point in my life without having any regrets. I don’t want to burden my marriage with regrets. It’s not fair to the guy.

So when I know for sure, when my wedding will be, I’ll let you know. Till then, take your sympathy and shove it up your ass. Do something constructive like turn your attention on making your married life better, instead of being a Nosy Parker.

‘Guy whose guts I hate’, I hope you’re reading.

I’ll hear wedding bells eventually. Just, not yet. Till then, I like where I am right now and where my life is taking me.

xoxo

P

BFF

I’ve been caught up with the rest of my life. This should explain my hiatus from my blog. I won’t apologize for the same.

Life has been hard on me as far as friendship is concerned. I have learnt NOT to be gullible, NOT to trust easily, GIVE people the benefit of the doubt, GIVE people a second chance if I consider them worth my while, ALLOW relationships to grow on their own instead of forcing them to, and moreover cherish the few friends I have.

I found myself in a strange city with unknown people in the year 2007. And I met somebody special. Of course, at the point of time when I met her (the special somebody), I did not know how close I would become to her. We met every day. We shopped every day. We went for movies every day. We’ve had cups and cups of coffee together, spent hours at Koshy’s and Tibetan Market and at Inox. We have even spoken over the phone late at night, despite having spent hours together earlier in the day. I’ve cried to her. She’s cried to me. We have shared laughter. We’ve shared clothes, bags, shoes, feelings and emotions This friendship happened through circumstance - that of knowing people in common, of not knowing anyone else in Bangalore, of thinking alike despite being completely different, of having varied as well as similar tastes in everything and of agreeing to disagree. She is the only other person that has understood me completely, other than Baafs. She is, in many ways a carbon copy of Baafs. She is someone who never misinterprets anything I ever say or do. She is my alter ego. She is a part of who I am today. She will always be a part of me.

Today I stand before you, disoriented, lost and with an intense feeling of despair. For she will soon fly over the Indian Ocean to a country far away and I will once again, stand alone.

So I dedicate this blog post, my actual birthday gift to you, Tina. And try to, in some way, immortalize our friendship in cyberspace. Primarily because I don’t think I can do so in the real world we live in. I will also make this promise to you. I promise to cherish every moment we have ever spent together, miss you every day, think of you every day, call you on Skype whenever I can, and be by your side anytime you ever need me (even if I have to do so virtually).

This testimonial below, written by me and posted on your forgotten profile captures the true essence of what our friendship is:
“Tee!
She's My Rockstar, My Lunch Buddy, My Shopping Trip Pardner, VP of My Gossip Club, My Shots Pal, My Sucky-Movie-in-the-middle-of-the-afternoon-watcher frund and moreover My Sounding Board. She kicks my ass in Karting (though I purposely go off track and into the tyres). She'll try and whack me everytime I make a smart assed comment knowing fully well I can pin her down if I wanted to. I'm her official Bodyguard, I keep her Booty safe!! ;-) She always listens (n with few complaints) to me literally go Whiiiiiiine!!! She feeds me when I'm hungry n laughs her ass off at everything I say. She's my support when the Con Man aint around. She's my Appy's fav gal in B'lore. She's My Mom's Fish lover n My Dad's Booze lover. Moreover Tee is Me!
For the above mentioned reasons and loads more unmentioned ones, You are my Best Gal Pal!
Here's to you n Girlpower!! Cheers. You know I lou you.”

xoxo

P

R.I.P Pretentious Social Butterfly Bitch

Some friends drove down into town last weekend. They invited me to party with them. I came up with a great excuse. I’m the best liar I know, by the way. I only lie when absolutely necessary. But I’m digressing here. I just couldn’t stand the idea of having to spend a greater part of the night with the same guy, mentioned in the previous post, whose guts I hate. I also couldn’t plaster a fake smile on my face and be pretentious for five hours straight. I’d rather pull my hair out of my skull.

I do not like ‘socialising’ or ‘partying’. There I said it. It’s finally out in the open. I’m 23 and I’ve officially outgrown the ‘Social Butterfly’ phase I went through two years back. I can’t do it anymore. The whole meeting up at a bar, kissing in the air, greeting each other with fake smiles, having a few drinks, proceeding to get smashed at an after party and waking up in your own bed without a single recollection of the previous night is passé and stale for me. Not my scene.

I’d rather rent a movie and watch it with my favourite girls, drink beer and chat. Better still, cuddle up with Baafs. I have the freedom to be myself instead of this pretentious bitch I transform into when I’m placed with a crowd of people I barely know and who are as important to me as the moth that flies in and out of my window. This pretentious bitch has the capability of making small talk, kissing in the air, socializing and keeping her drinks down. This pretentious bitch is genuinely fond of only a handful of people who she will stick to, the majority of the night. She will tell you ‘Your dress looks lovely’ when she actually thinks it makes you look as attractive as a potato. She will gossip about the people you hate. She will laugh at your rather pathetic jokes. She will kiss you on your cheek and say goodbye to you, all the while hoping to see you only after a really long span of time.

I have to admit, there has been many nights when I’ve actually enjoyed myself. This happens when I have been me and not the pretentious bitch. Trust me. You’ll definitely know the difference. It also helps if Baafs is around. His absence is something I have to deal with without having to turn into a recluse. Therefore I turn to close friends now for fun nights out. Personally though, I’d rather I lock up the pretentious bitch in a room and throw away the key. I certainly don’t want to meet her. Would you? So R.I.P Pretentious Social Butterfly Bitch. You won’t be resurrected until the next time I’m in a crowd full of people I don’t know.

xoxo

P

In the eyes of the beholder

A few years back when I had returned to Calcutta for the winter holidays, I visited a parlour discovered by my mother. The biggest tradition for a true blue Calcuttan during the month of December is to attend the 24th Eve X'mas Party held at the Tollygunge Club. Like any smart, female parlour visitor, I decided to put myself through the torture of being fluff free for the occasion, a few days before the event, to prevent appearing blotched from the RED, HOT wax.

For those who have seen and know my mother, you already know by now that she's really pretty. She's the personification of the phrase 'Bengali Beauty'. And for whatever reason, I do not look at all like her. I know that. You know that. I also do not need to be told the obvious. But can you imagine what I felt, when the waxing attendant at the parlour blatantly asked me - 'Are you sure you're your mother's daughter?' Needless to say she didn't get the tip she was expecting nor did I pay for the service rendered to me since the manager of the parlour got more than just a earful from me. What?! I'm usually a paying customer and a great tipper. But did you honestly expect me not be angered by such a statement from this complete stranger?

The only reason why I remember this incident so clearly is probably because it was the first time in my life that I wanted to shed my own skin and come out fair and beautiful - a xerox copy of my mother. Since then, I have had this feeling every time somebody has a similar comment to make. Even a few days back, this guy I know (who's guts, by the way I hate) asked me - 'Your mom is soooo pretty. Where the hell did you come from?' This incident, on the other hand, was the first time I did not react.

Want to know why? I realised then that 'Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder'. And if the beholder thinks I'm not pretty or beautiful because I do not look like my mom, then it's pretty unfortunate for him/her. Because the beholder is BLIND. :-)

xoxo

P

De-virginising the Blogger in me

This is my first time. And like other first times, I'm scared and apprehensive. Yet curious to know what lies ahead. Since this blog is about me and my opinions, you should get to know me and figure out where, why and how my opinions generate themselves onto this page. Proceed at your own risk.

• I'm insecure. When I meet you for the first time, I'm most likely to shy away or say hi and get to know you or ignore you or widen my eyes in awe of you or just be plain rude. The above reactions depend on the vibe I pick up from you.
• I've been through shit at an early age. The kind of shit people try and avoid for as long as they can or deal with very late in their lives. It's made me who I am now.
• I'm frank and I say it like it is. Only with the people I care about. I try to be diplomatic otherwise.
• I cannot stand betrayal of any kind. You will NOT be forgiven. You will be immediately cut out from my life. No exceptions to this rule.
• If I'm wrong, I accept the fact I'm wrong.
• I'm very loyal. Both to friends and foe. I am the most loyal friend. If I do not like you, be rest assured I will NEVER like you.
  
• I can be the most indecisive creature on the face of this planet, yet at the same time I know what I want when it comes to the other, more immediate, more important things in life.
• I have the ability to cry and laugh at the same time. It's true. You should ask Baafs.
• Before asking Baafs, you might want to know who's Baafs? He's the only person in the world who knows, accepts and understands me in and out. He's the only person in the world who can handle 'neurotic' me. He knows where I come from and where I'm going. Moreover he loves me. He's the only person in the world who MAY just end up with having to put up with me n my quirky self for the rest of his life. You should wish him the very best of luck when you meet him next.
  
• I do not have favourite colours or books or movies or actors or actresses etc. So don't ask me.
• Do not ask me when I'm going to get married. I will most likely throw a shoe at you. I'm 23. Not raised to be a housewife. My priority is my career. So be careful next time you think about asking me the above question.
• Manufacturing babies freak me out. Nish, I don't know how you did it. Do not tell me until I ask.
• I make mistakes and learn from them. The moving on period is tough. But when you finally do move on, you'll realise that past incidents and experiences are the best things that have happened to you because they have brought you where you are now.
• I'm a dog-lover. I have a springer spaniel called Apache. I love him to pieces. I fear he does not feel the same.
• I know what I want out of my life and I'm working towards just that.
• If you belong to my past, you will stay right there.
• I wish I could erase my life in college for many reasons and at the same time I do not want to do so for an equal number of reasons. See - indecisiveness. Sigh!
  
• I have only a handful of girlfriends who I can truly open up to. You know who you are. I realise you've had to put up with a lot. I appreciate you for that.
• I am Bengali. I'm fond of many things Bengali. But I do not relate to being a Bengali.
  
• I love couture. I don't think I'll be able to afford it now. I hope to soon.
• I have a fetish for shoes and bags and clothes and make-up and jewellery. My passions. I'm not ashamed of it. It does not mean I'm superficial.
  
• I love dressing up.
  
• I'm thirsty for success. At the same time I'm too darn lazy.
• I despise hypocrites. I hunt them down and shoot them.
• I have an awful temper. I'm trying to control it. But when I flare up, head for cover.
• I love the two extremes of sweet and sour, ie extremely sweet/sour
• I dislike drugs.
• I love food. I'll eat anything if it's not alive and wriggling.
  
• The kind of music I listen to depends on my mood. (I love Rod Stewart)
• I have some nasty habits. I am not stupid enough to tell you about them.
• I share a love-hate relationship with my mother.
• I adore my dad and wish he didn't have to have such a troublesome daughter.
  
• I love staying by myself in my own home. I fear I'm getting used to it.
• I can make adjustments easily.
  
• I am not attached to places. I am attached to people and memories and moments.
• I secretly love x-rated humour. It's not a secret any more.
• I have various kinds of laughs. Only one person knows them all.
  
• My life currently revolves around my B-school, Baafs, my family and my closest friends.
• Baafs! I love you more than anything else in the world.

I stand before you naked. You should know me inside out by now. I may have forgotten to mention a few things here. I'm human. So sue me. Hope to see you soon. Until next time...Au Revoir!!!

xoxo

P